My Testimony

I grew up going to an Independent Christian Church from a young age. When I was about 10 years old I attended a Pastor’s Class, which for those who don’t know is a class designed to provide instruction and guidance on Christian faith, belief, and practice. At the end of the class we were given the opportunity to make a decision to follow the Lord Jesus Christ. The first time I took the class I decided not to make a decision. I can’t really tell you why other than to say I remember I just didn't feel ready. Happily, about a year later I took the same class again and this time I opted to give my life to the Lord and to be baptised. (My twin sister did too, praise the Lord!) I was 11 years old. 

Throughout middle school, high school and most of college I believed in God but I didn’t live like it. I did what I wanted without a whole lot of concern for God. (Although when I was about 20 I was in an unbiblical relationship with a young lady and I do remember feeling convicted about it. I coped by rationalizing.) 

The point being I did what I wanted and I ended up not being happy. It was the inverse of what I would have expected. I was actually pretty miserable. I started taking antidepressants, dropped out of college, and lost my relationship. All I did with my friends was go out and drink and I got tired of it. I dabbled in drugs too and found no relief there. 

I remember I wanted to get my life on a different track so I tried on my own. After probably a year off I decided to go back to school and finish my degree. I was in my last year and somehow I bought a Dr. Phil book, hoping to find some key that would unlock success, happiness and my full potential. I remember when I finished the book I was frustrated and disappointed because it didn’t contain anything that I found very helpful. I actually flung it to the ground in disgust.  

Looking back I think I was looking for larger answers, not just pop wisdom and marketable self-help. Even though I was only 23 at the time I remember there was a period of a week or two where I was wrestling with my own mortality. Maybe it is weird for a 23 year old to think this way but genuinely I was wrestling: 

"I’m already 23 and this life isn’t forever," I thought. "Whatever I choose right now will have a big impact upon the rest of my life." 

I had moved back in with my parents and I was commuting to school about 30 minutes away in downtown Indianapolis. It was a little after midnight on what had just become New Year's Eve, 2003. I was laying on the floor watching TV.  The TV was on Channel 9, LeSea Broadcasting - a Christian TV channel. They were airing what was basically a 30 minute commercial for an upcoming Holy Land Tour put on by LeSea Tours. As part of the promo they showed footage from Israel - places like the Sea of Galilee, Gethsemane, Golgotha, and the Garden Tomb. As I watched something stirred in my heart. It was one of those moments where you swell up with emotion from within and your body feels like it can't contain it. 

“Those places are real!” I thought to myself. “Jesus is real!” 

I remember I layed there for a couple minutes looking up at the spinning ceiling fan and fighting back tears. Finally I got up, turned off the TV and the light, and climbed into bed. I was laying on my back and I pulled up the covers over myself. I still remember verbatim what I prayed:

“God my way isn’t working. It hasn’t been working for 23 years. I’m going to do things your way from now on.” 

As soon as I finished those words, WHOOOSH!! 

I felt / heard the sound of wind rushing through my body. The sensation I felt is difficult to describe. It felt a little bit like I was flying through the air. I could actually hear the sound of wind going past my ears. I opened my eyes and there was a thick presence in my room that I have not experienced since then. I remember I was AFRAID. I knew it was God Himself. I knew that He wouldn’t hurt me but I knew that He was POWER. I looked around my room, literally trembling, and I felt connected to a realm that, even though I couldn’t see it, I knew was more real than anything I could touch in my immediate surroundings. I knew that the realm I was sensing is where the angels are. It was as if Heaven actually broke through and came into my room.

Still nervous from the presence in my room I leaned over to my night stand, turned on my radio and found a Christian Radio Station. A song was on - White as snow, White as snow…

“Funny,” I thought to myself, “that’s how I feel right now.” 

I probably listened to the radio for a good hour. Maybe more. I now know the station was Moody Radio and the program that was on was Mike Kellogg and Music Thru the Night. After every song or two Mr. Kellogg would come on and speak and it was like he was talking directly to me. How did he know I was wondering about that? It happened at least three different times!  

My life has been different since that night. Yes, I have messed up over and over and over again, but I have had a relationship with my Lord and my God from that moment on. I have a funny way of showing it a lot of the time but the Lord has been at the center of my attention and I can’t conceive of it being any other way. 

A year to the day later I was awarded my BA in Journalism. Two weeks later I began Seminary where I earned a Master of Theological Studies. That said, I can’t say that my life has always been easier or better since then, at least in terms of externals that people pay attention to. But I also know that my immediate happiness doesn’t have a whole lot to do with why I am still here on this earth. I don’t say this to be depressing - I know that at the end of it all I will be completely content. I just mean that happiness is not the thing I measure my life by, it’s not an end unto itself. 

My life verse is Philippians 1:6 - I know that God will complete the work He began in me. Ultimately this has nothing to do with me working to earn it (just like my initial salvation). I just live by faith knowing that He will finish what He started in me, in His way and in His time. Praise the Lord!